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10/9/2014 6:45:43 PM - Sick and Tired
Another Fight Begins: Fear

I have not been updating my training log because of several reasons. Mostly I just don't want to think about training.

A few months ago it was brought to my attention that Chemotherapy was a very viable option for the treatment of MY Ulcerative Colitis. The ulcers in my intestines are not slowing down, I continue to get dehydrated and sick easily, I have nausea and diarrhea multiple times per day (near double digits), and all of my joints are constantly swollen and red (RA). I have to start thinking about the quality of life that I want 10 years from now. 20 Years. 40 Years and beyond.

I put off the Chemo because I had planned to compete at Cyprus Weightlifting Nationals 2014 on October 25 but when I got the email saying that I would not be allowed to compete (I really just wanted to be allowed TO LIFT), it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started the Chemo the next day.

I spent all of last week on the couch.

Friday I got home and my wife made me a great lunch, I packed the cars, fixed both gym bags, made all of our pre/during/post training drinks, then couldn't get through our meal. My face turned white and my wife told me "It is OK if you don't train today". She said it differently than she normally does, she really meant to tell me that I'd be OK even if I didn't train today.

Moments later I passed out on the couch.

At 6 in the evening I woke up on the couch and felt great. I told my wife that I was going to eat again and GO TRAIN!!! Before I could finish my food the nausea hit me again hard and I couldn't even make it to my car.

THEN I had to take my meds. about pain! I couldn't sleep Friday night and I woke up from the pain deep down inside of my bones. My son and dog came upstairs to greet me in bed which ended with my dog pulling out my son's 2nd tooth of the week. Attempting to go back to sleep ended with me just laying in bed through most of the day.

Followed by me getting down a few bites of salmon for lunch followed by a nap til bed time.

Sunday was me being drained of all energy, but I got TO the gym.

I have to accept that a lot of things are going to change for a while. Even after only a couple of weeks my hair is falling out and I am losing size FAST. My strength is falling by the day and the pains that I have deep down inside of my bones are like nothing I've ever experienced before.

I am upset, sad, and very afraid. I'm afraid that my best times are already behind me and that I will never have a chance to be better.

My wife has held my hand more in 2 weeks than she has in 2 years and she has hugged me non-stop. We haven't discussed anything, but she knows and she knows me. She knows that I am afraid of all of this.

My goal: I don't know. I really do not know what to expect tomorrow or the next day or the next. I guess I just need to focus on rest, eating all that I can when I can, and to do as much PRODUCTIVE training as possible.

Harry Selkow told me that I should update my log and that it would benefit people to know that "Super Heroes get hit by life hard too. Sometimes life can suck and it is OK to be afraid." Well, this is just me telling you that life is hard, it will get harder, and I am afraid.

Another Journey,
Clint Darden

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